Do Surrogates Get Attached to the Baby? The Honest Truth

Do surrogates get attached to the baby? It’s probably the number one question you will hear. You might hear it from your mom, your best friend, or even that nosy lady in the grocery store line who notices your bump.

“How can you possibly give up a baby after carrying it for nine months?” or “Aren’t you going to get too attached?”

If you’re thinking about becoming a surrogate, these questions might even be keeping you up at night. It’s totally normal to worry about how you will feel. After all, pregnancy is a deeply emotional, hormonal, and physical experience. It’s hard to imagine going through all of that without taking a baby home at the end.

But here’s the thing: the surrogacy journey is completely different from a traditional pregnancy.

Here at Physician’s Surrogacy, we want to be completely open about this. We want you to feel safe, supported, and ready for what lies ahead. The short answer is that while you will care for the baby, the bond is different. It isn’t about “giving up” a child; it’s about “giving back” a child to the parents who have been dreaming of them for years.

Let’s dive deep into the psychology, the science, and the real-life feelings of our surrogates to understand how this unique relationship works.

The Surrogate’s Mindset: Giving Back, Not Giving Up

To understand why surrogates don’t experience that earth-shattering heartbreak that people expect, you have to look at the mindset you start with.

When you’re pregnant with your own child, every kick and every ultrasound is about your future family. You’re picking out names, painting a nursery, and imagining your life with a newborn.

In surrogacy, the mindset is totally flipped.

The “Extreme Babysitting” Mentality

Most of the women we work with describe themselves as “extreme babysitters” or “prenatal nannies.” You know from the very first day that this baby isn’t yours. You’re keeping them safe, warm, and fed until their parents can take over.

Think about it like this: If you babysit your niece or nephew for a weekend, you love them, you feed them, and you cuddle them. But when your sister comes to pick them up, you aren’t devastated. You’re happy to see them reunited, and honestly, you’re probably a little relieved to go back to your own bed! Surrogacy is like that, just on a much bigger, 9-month scale.

As one of our surrogates here at Physician’s Surrogacy shared, “I felt pride in giving my giant surro-baby over. I wanted my IPs [Intended Parents] to experience childbirth and the first cry of their child”

The Science of “Gestational” Surrogacy

It helps a lot that science is on your side. We only do gestational surrogacy here at Physician’s Surrogacy. That means the baby is not genetically related to you at all.

The embryo is created using IVF, usually with the intended mother’s egg and the father’s sperm (or donors). So, while you’re providing the “oven,” the “bun” is 100% their DNA. This biological reality creates a natural emotional boundary. You aren’t giving away a piece of yourself; you’re growing someone else’s baby.

Yale Medicine notes that most surrogates are driven by altruism—a deep desire to help others. You aren’t looking for another baby; you’re looking to help someone else find theirs.

Research in Fertility and Sterility backs this up, showing that this altruistic motivation is a huge predictor of a happy emotional outcome.

The Safety Net: Why We Screen So Carefully

A healthy emotional journey doesn’t just happen by luck. It happens because we prepare for it. We don’t just sign you up and hope for the best. We have a rigorous screening process that is designed to protect your heart and your mental health.

The American Society for Reproductive Medicine (ASRM) strongly recommends psychological evaluation for all carriers. We take that seriously because we want to make sure you’re safe.

The “Trifecta” of Screening

At Physician’s Surrogacy, we use a three-part approach to check that you’re ready for this:

1. The Clinical Interview: We sit down and have a real, deep conversation. We talk about why you want to do this. We look at your support network. Do you have friends who will bring you soup if you’re tired? Is your partner on board? We need to know you have people in your corner.
2. Psychosocial Testing: This isn’t a pass/fail test, but it helps us build a profile of your personality. It tells us how you handle stress and how you process emotions. It helps us match you with parents who fit your communication style.
3. Records Review: We look at your medical and personal history. We are looking for stability. If you have had major life changes or unprocessed grief recently, we might tell you to wait a bit. We want you to start this journey when you’re at your strongest.

This screening looks for red flags like postpartum depression or unrealistic expectations. If we spot those, it doesn’t mean you’re a bad person; it just means surrogacy might put too much pressure on you right now.

We also require that you have already given birth to and are raising your own child. This is super important. It means you know what pregnancy feels like, you know what the hormones do, and—most importantly—you already have your own family to go home to.

Building a Bridge: The Relationship with Intended Parents

One of the best ways to stop unhealthy attachment to the baby is to build a healthy attachment to the parents.

When you’re a surrogate, you aren’t just growing a baby; you’re growing a relationship. You’re partners in this amazing project. When you focus on the parents’ excitement, their fear, and their joy, the baby becomes the gift you’re making for them.

Addressing the Elephant in the Room

You may have seen movies like When the Bough Breaks (2016), where a surrogate becomes obsessed with the father and holds the unborn baby hostage. While it makes for a dramatic thriller, that is pure Hollywood fiction.

In the real world, strict psychological screening and legal contracts make sure that kind of nightmare scenario stays on the movie screen, not in your life.

Still, Intended parents are often terrified. Their biggest fear remains to be, “What if she wants to keep the baby?”

The contracts are in place before you even get pregnant, which establishes them as the legal parents. But legal papers don’t calm fears—trust does.

Intended parents have often been through hell to get here. They have faced infertility, loss, and years of disappointment. They feel out of control. By understanding their pain, you can move from feeling possessive of the pregnancy to feeling protective of their dream.

How to Build That Bond

Want to build a bond with the Intended Parents? We encourage you to get to know them.

• Video Calls: Let them see the bump grow.
• Updates: Send them pics of your cravings or funny stories about the pregnancy.
• Empathy: Put yourself in their shoes. They would give anything to be the one having morning sickness.

Research shows that when surrogates and parents have a good relationship, everyone feels better.

Many of our surrogates end up being lifelong friends with the families they help. They get Christmas cards and birthday updates, not because they’re the “mom,” but because they’re the special “auntie” or family friend who made it all possible.

The Pregnancy: Managing the Day-to-Day Feelings

Okay, so you have the right mindset, and you like the parents. But you’re still pregnant. You still have hormones rushing through your body. How does that feel on a Tuesday afternoon when the baby is kicking your ribs?

Compartmentalizing the Connection

It’s healthy to care about the baby. You’re nourishing them, after all. But surrogates develop a skill called “compartmentalization.” You bond with the pregnancy, not necessarily the child.

You might rub your belly and say, “Okay, little one, your mom and dad are going to be so excited to meet you.” Notice the language? It’s always about them. You’re constantly reminding yourself and the baby where home really is.

Handling the Public

One of the trickiest parts can be dealing with strangers. People see a pregnant woman and assume she is becoming a mother.

• Stranger: “Oh, when are you due? Is it a boy or a girl?”
• You: “I’m due in June, and it’s a boy for a lovely couple I’m helping!”

Answering this way reinforces your role to the world and, more importantly, to yourself. It keeps that boundary clear every single day.

Your Own Kids

Having your own kids at home is a huge help, too. They keep you grounded. You’re “Mom” to them. To the baby in your belly, you’re the carrier. Your kids will ask questions, and answering them simply—“Mommy is helping another family grow their baby because their tummy is broken”—helps the whole family understand the mission.

The Big Day: Birth and the “Hand-Off”

This is the moment everyone worries about. The labor, the delivery, and the moment the baby arrives. Will you cry? Would you want to hold them?

The Birth Plan

We talk about this way in advance. There is no single “right” way to do it.

• Some surrogates want to see the baby and say a quick hello.
• Others prefer for the baby to go straight to the parents for skin-to-skin contact.
• Some want the parents in the room; others prefer them to wait outside until the very end.

Whatever you choose is okay. We map this out in your birth plan so there are no surprises.

The Joy of the “Hand-Off”

Far from being a tragic moment, the hand-off is usually the happiest moment of the surrogate’s life. This is the finish line!

One of our surrogates described it perfectly: “Seeing them become parents in that moment—seeing their faces light up with love and wonder—was the most beautiful reward. That’s when I knew with absolute certainty that this baby was exactly where they belonged” [cite: 266-267].

Seeing the parents hold the baby validates everything you have gone through. It confirms that you weren’t growing a baby for yourself; you were keeping a promise. The relief and pride you feel in that moment are overwhelming—in a good way.

Postpartum: The Fourth Trimester

After the baby goes home with their family, you go home to yours. This is a time of physical recovery and emotional transition.

The Hormone Drop

We have to be real about biology. After birth, your hormones drop. You might have milk come in. You might feel “weepy” or have the “baby blues.” This is a physical reaction, not necessarily a sign that you made a mistake.

Your body is reacting to the end of pregnancy, but your mind knows the truth. It’s important to separate your physical feelings from your emotional ones. Just because you’re crying at a dog food commercial doesn’t mean you want the baby back!

Returning to “Normal”

This is why we provide support even after the birth.

• Focus on You: You get to sleep through the night! You can have a glass of wine or eat the sushi you missed.
• Your Family: You get to focus 100% on your own children again.
• The Check: Let’s be honest, receiving the final compensation payment is a nice reminder of the financial goals you can now hit for your own family.

We also offer post-delivery support for up to 6 months. If you feel a little empty or sad, that is okay. It’s a big adrenaline drop. We are here to talk you through it. Most surrogates feel a sense of “Mission Accomplished” rather than loss.

The Physician’s Surrogacy Difference

This is where having an OB-managed team makes a massive difference. At a regular agency, you might just have a case manager checking in. Here at Physician’s Surrogacy, we have a medical team looking out for you.

We understand that mental health and physical health are tied together. If you’re having a rough recovery physically, your emotions will be harder to handle. Because we are doctors, we can spot if you’re struggling with something medical that is affecting your mood and get you the help you need fast.

We also make sure the intended parents are educated. We teach them how to support you, how to respect your recovery, and how to maintain that relationship after the birth.

A Love That Lets Go

So, do surrogates get attached? Yes, in a way. You form a bond of care, protection, and respect. But it isn’t the bond of a mother and child. It’s the bond of a guardian and a charge.

You’re the hero in this story, not the victim. You aren’t losing anything; you’re gaining the pride of knowing you did something incredible. You’re gaining a financial boost for your own future. And often, you’re gaining new friends in the parents you helped.

If you’re worried about attachment, know that you’re not alone. But also know that with the right screening, the right mindset, and the right team behind you, you can do this. You can give the greatest gift in the world and walk away feeling whole, happy, and proud.

If you’re ready to see if you have what it takes to join our village of amazing women, we would love to meet you!

Frequently Asked Questions

How do surrogates not get attached to the baby?

Surrogates view the pregnancy as “babysitting.” Since there is no genetic link in gestational surrogacy, the baby doesn’t feel like “theirs.” Psychological screening helps confirm they’re ready to give the baby back to its parents, and the “hand-off” provides a sense of pride rather than loss.

What does the psychological screening for surrogates involve?

The screening includes a clinical interview to discuss your motivations, personality testing to see how you handle stress, and a review of your history. We check for a strong support system and emotional stability to make sure you’re ready for the journey.

Is it hard for a surrogate to say goodbye to the baby after birth?

Most surrogates feel joy and relief, not sadness. The moment the baby is with the parents is the “mission accomplished” moment. While hormonal shifts can cause temporary “baby blues,” the overwhelming feeling is usually pride in helping a family.

What happens if a surrogate changes her mind and wants to keep the baby?

This is a common fear, but extremely rare. Legal contracts signed before pregnancy define the intended parents’ rights. Since the surrogate has no genetic link to the baby, she has no legal claim, and the screening process checks that she has no desire to keep the child.

How much contact do surrogates have with the family after the baby is born?

It depends on what everyone agreed to! Some surrogates and parents become close friends with regular updates, while others prefer to move on with their separate lives. We help you match with parents who want the same level of contact as you do.

Why do women choose to become surrogates?

Most are driven by a desire to help others. They often know someone who struggled with infertility and want to give back. They also appreciate the financial compensation that helps them achieve goals for their own families.