How Surrogates Can Build a Healthy Relationship with Intended Parents

You’re excited to become a surrogate, but a nagging question keeps you up at night: “What if the intended parents are… difficult?” You imagine midnight texts about your diet, constant questions about your health, and the stress of feeling micromanaged for nine months. If the thought of navigating this relationship gives you anxiety, you’re not alone.

The good news is that you have control over what this relationship looks like. The key isn’t finding a “perfect” set of intended parents, but defining a relationship style that works for you – one where you feel respected, supported, and comfortable.

At Physician’s Surrogacy, we’ve helped countless surrogates and intended parents build positive relationships.

This guide will walk you through the most common types of surrogate relationships, show you how to set healthy boundaries with grace, and provide strategies for protecting your emotional well-being on this incredible journey.

Key Takeaways

• Surrogacy relationships typically fall into one of three categories: a close, family-like bond; a friendly, short-term connection; or a private, professional arrangement.
• The key to a positive experience is to define your preferred relationship style early and communicate it clearly during the matching process.
• Setting healthy boundaries with grace is crucial for protecting your emotional well-being and preventing misunderstandings.
• If relationship dynamics become challenging, lean on your surrogacy agency to help mediate and provide professional support.

The Three Main Types of Surrogacy Relationships

When it comes to relationships between surrogates and intended parents, they typically fall into three main categories. Understanding these can help you identify which might feel most comfortable for you.

1. The “Open Long-Term” Relationship: Becoming Like Family

This type of relationship involves a close bond that often continues long after the baby is born.

Communication is frequent – sometimes daily – and feels more like a friendship or family connection than a professional arrangement.

What it looks like in practice:

• Regular video calls and text messages
• Sharing personal updates beyond pregnancy news
• The intended parents might attend appointments (with your permission)
• Continuing the relationship after birth with visits or photos
• The child grows up knowing their birth story and who you are

As one of our surrogates shared:

“I consider my intended parents as part of my family. We bonded immediately once we matched, and from that moment, I just knew that my journey was going to be amazing. Everything was perfect; they were loving and supportive to me as well as my entire family.”

This relationship style is ideal for surrogates who are naturally very open and want to build a lasting, deep connection with the intended parents and potentially the child.

2. The “Open Short-Term” Relationship: Friendly & Focused

This dynamic involves close communication and a warm relationship during the pregnancy, but with less expectation of a long-term bond afterward.

It’s friendly and supportive for the duration of the journey.

What it looks like in practice:

• Regular updates about the pregnancy
• Sharing in the excitement of milestones
• A genuine but more time-limited connection
• After birth, you might exchange occasional photos or updates, but return to your independent lives

One surrogate described it this way:

“The intended parents and I decided from the beginning that we wouldn’t force a close relationship. We were clear to let the relationship play out naturally. I feel blessed to have met them. My family and I still get regular updates and photos of their babies.”

This relationship style works well for surrogates who want a positive, warm connection but also value their privacy and personal life post-delivery.

3. The “Closed” Relationship: Professional & Private

This is the most business-like of the three relationships. Communication is more formal and often handled through the agency.

The focus is strictly on the medical and legal aspects of the journey, without a lot of personal sharing.

What it looks like in practice:

• Updates limited to key medical milestones
• Minimal personal sharing
• Communication that’s friendly but professional
• Little or no contact after the birth

As one of our surrogates explained:

“I would describe my relationship with the intended parents as one that business partners have. We were both very passionate and dedicated to a common goal, but I was not anticipating weekly updates after the baby went home.”

This relationship style is best for individuals who prefer clear boundaries, emotional distance, and a more private experience.

The Key to a Great Relationship: Communication and Boundaries

No matter which type of relationship feels right to you, the foundation of any successful surrogate-IP relationship is clear communication and healthy boundaries.

Let’s talk about how to build that foundation.

It All Starts with the Match

The best way to avoid relationship stress is to be honest about your desired relationship style from the very beginning. Here at Physician’s Surrogacy, our matching process is designed to connect you with intended parents who share your vision for the relationship.

When filling out your application, be specific about your communication preferences:

• How often do you want to communicate?
• What methods do you prefer (text, calls, emails)?
• Are you comfortable with the IPs attending appointments?
• Do you want a relationship that continues after birth?

Being upfront about these preferences helps us find intended parents who are on the same page as you.

Setting Boundaries with Grace

Sometimes, despite the best matching efforts, you might find yourself in a situation where the intended parents’ expectations don’t quite align with your comfort level. Perhaps an intended mother is a bit too concerned about your diet or housing, or sends midnight texts asking health questions.

When this happens, it’s important to address it early and kindly. Here are some strategies that have worked well for other surrogates:

1. The “Information Diet” Approach

You don’t have to share every single detail of your life with the intended parents. It’s perfectly okay to be selective about what you share.

Try saying: “I’ll be sure to update you after my appointment next week with any important news!” instead of providing minute-by-minute updates from the doctor’s office.

2. Validate, then State Your Need

This powerful communication tool acknowledges the intended parents’ feelings while still asserting your boundaries.

Script you can use: “Thank you so much for your concern, and I love that you are trying to do everything possible to make sure your baby is safe. I want you to know I’m doing the same on my end and am following all my doctor’s advice.”

This reassures the intended parents while reinforcing your competence as a surrogate.

3. Schedule Communication

To avoid those “midnight texts” about whether you’ve taken your vitamins, try setting up a regular communication schedule.

Try saying: “To make sure I don’t miss anything important, let’s plan to connect every Sunday afternoon for updates. That way, I can give you my full attention and share everything that’s happened during the week!”

4. Redirect Unsolicited Advice

When intended parents send articles or give advice about your pregnancy, it can sometimes feel overwhelming.

Try saying: “I really appreciate you sending that article! I’m working closely with my OB, and I’ll definitely bring this up at my next appointment.”

When to Lean on Your Agency

Remember, you’re not alone in this journey. If a situation becomes uncomfortable or you’re struggling to communicate your boundaries effectively, don’t hesitate to reach out to your agency.

Here at Physician’s Surrogacy, we’re the nation’s only OB-managed surrogacy agency. This means our in-house OB/GYNs can communicate directly with your intended parents about medical concerns, providing reassurance from medical professionals and taking pressure off you.

One surrogate shared her experience:

“When my intended mother was anxious about my diet during pregnancy, the agency stepped in and arranged a call with their OB. Having a doctor explain normal pregnancy nutrition guidelines really helped calm her fears, and I felt less micromanaged.”

Taking Care of YOU: Emotional Well-Being on Your Journey

Being a surrogate is one of the most generous gifts you can give, but it can also be emotionally demanding, especially when navigating relationship dynamics with intended parents.

If you’re feeling “drained and this is just the beginning,” it’s time to focus on your own well-being.

Build Your Support System

Having people you can talk to outside of the surrogacy arrangement is vital. This might include:

• Your partner or family members who can provide day-to-day emotional support
• Friends who can offer a listening ear when you need to vent
• Other surrogates who truly understand what you’re experiencing
• A therapist or counselor skilled in reproductive issues

Many surrogates find that connecting with other women who have been through the process is particularly helpful. You can ask your agency about surrogate support groups or online forums where you can share experiences and advice.

Practical Self-Care Strategies

When the relationship with intended parents feels overwhelming, these practical self-care strategies can help you reset:

Daily Self-Care Rituals

Even small acts of self-care can make a big difference in managing stress:

• Take a relaxing bath with your favorite essential oils
• Go for a walk in nature to clear your head
• Journal about your feelings and experiences
• Watch a funny movie or read a book that has nothing to do with pregnancy

Stress-Relief Techniques

Learning specific techniques to manage anxiety can be incredibly helpful:

• Practice deep breathing exercises when you feel overwhelmed
• Try meditation apps like Calm or Headspace for guided relaxation
• Use progressive muscle relaxation to release physical tension
• Spend time on hobbies you love that take your mind off pregnancy

Monitor Your Emotional Health

Keep track of your feelings throughout the journey:

• Note any patterns in when you feel most stressed about the relationship
• Don’t hesitate to reach out to a professional if you feel prolonged sadness or anxiety
• Remember that it’s okay to ask for help and support

As one surrogate put it:

“I imagined having a close relationship with the intended parents when I considered surrogacy. It was quite good during pregnancy, but after birth, we became distant. I do wish our relationship could have been much closer than it became, but I feel it would have gotten too difficult for me.”

Her experience reminds us that it’s okay if relationships evolve or don’t match our initial expectations. Your emotional health should always be a priority.

The Professional Side: How Compensation Helps

Having a clear, professional arrangement around compensation can actually help reinforce healthy relationship boundaries.

When the financial aspects are handled professionally, it allows you to focus on the pregnancy and the relationship without money complicating things.

Here at Physician’s Surrogacy, we believe in total transparency. Our tiered compensation structure offers base packages from $48,000 to $75,000, with experienced surrogates earning up to $95,000.

We also offer a $500 additional bonus for surrogates who are match-ready and legally available.

Knowing that these details are handled properly gives you one less thing to worry about and helps maintain a clear professional framework for your relationship with the intended parents.

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Real Relationships, Real Stories

The beauty of surrogacy is that each journey is unique. Let’s look at some real experiences from our surrogates that show how different relationship styles can work:

The International Connection

“I loved the intended parents during my surrogacy! When I first met with them, it felt like I knew them my whole life. We’re good friends now, and even my kids love them. We talk at least once a week over Skype as they live in Paris. But we’re planning to visit them next month.”

This surrogate embraced a relationship that transcended distance and cultural differences, creating a lasting international friendship.

The Balanced Approach

“Well, I didn’t want a close relationship, and I didn’t think it would be important to me. All I wanted was to enjoy being pregnant again and do something special to help someone in need. However, I feel like the best thing to maintain a healthy relationship is getting and giving periodic updates. It looks to be more important than I thought it would be. Love it, because they still keep me updated, even if it means getting pictures once a year.”

This surrogate found that a middle ground – not too close but not too distant – worked perfectly for her needs and expectations.

The Family Bond

“My relationship with the intended parents couldn’t be any better. We hit it off from the beginning, and our relationship grew gradually from that point. They message me with updates and pictures frequently, even now, after the journey is over. I will always look at them as a part of my family.”

This surrogate developed the deepest kind of connection, truly integrating the intended parents into her family life in a way that felt natural and fulfilling for everyone involved.

Finding Your Perfect Match: Practical Steps

Now that you understand the different relationship types and have strategies for communication, how do you actually find the right match? Here are some practical steps:

1. Reflect on Your Personal Preferences

Before you even begin the matching process, take some time for self-reflection:

• Consider your past relationships: Do you tend to form deep bonds quickly, or do you prefer more professional, boundaried relationships?
• Think about your family: How comfortable would your partner and children be with different levels of involvement from intended parents?
• Imagine the future: Would you be happy maintaining contact for years, or would you prefer a clear ending point?

There are no right or wrong answers here, just what feels authentic and comfortable for you.

2. Be Clear in Your Application

When you apply to become a surrogate with us at Physician’s Surrogacy, be very specific about your relationship preferences. The more detailed you can be, the better we can match you with compatible intended parents.

For example, instead of just saying you want a “friendly relationship,” specify:

• “I’d like weekly update calls during the pregnancy”
• “I’m comfortable with the intended parents attending key appointments like ultrasounds”
• “After birth, I’d appreciate receiving photos once or twice a year”

3. Ask the Right Questions During Matching

When you’re meeting potential intended parents, don’t be afraid to ask direct questions about their expectations for the relationship:

• How often would they like to communicate?
• What involvement do they want during the pregnancy?
• What are their expectations for contact after birth?
• Have they worked with a surrogate before? If so, what was that relationship like?

4. Trust Your Instincts

During the matching process, pay attention to how you feel when interacting with potential intended parents. Do you feel comfortable? Is conversation natural? Do you sense they respect your boundaries?

Sometimes the most important indicator of a good match is simply that gut feeling that says, “These are my people.”

Your Surrogacy Journey, Your Terms

A successful surrogacy journey isn’t about finding perfect intended parents – it’s about defining a relationship that feels right for you.

Remember, you’re in control. The key is to decide on your ideal relationship style early on and communicate your boundaries with grace. Your agency is there to back you up if you need support.

As a next step, take ten minutes today to jot down what your ideal communication plan would look like. Having this clarity will empower you through the matching process.

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FAQs

What kind of relationship should I have with the intended parents?

The kind of relationship you should have with intended parents depends on your preference. Most fall into three types: a close, family-like bond; a friendly connection for the duration of the pregnancy; or a more professional, private arrangement.

How much contact is normal with intended parents during surrogacy?

The normal amount of contact with intended parents varies. Some surrogates and IPs communicate daily, while others prefer weekly updates or only connect after key appointments. It’s crucial to agree on a communication plan that feels comfortable for everyone.

What if the intended parents are too demanding or controlling?

If intended parents seem too demanding, it’s important to set healthy boundaries early. You can schedule specific communication times, validate their concerns while stating your needs, or lean on your surrogacy agency to help mediate and provide professional support.

Can I choose the intended parents I work with?

Yes, you can absolutely choose the intended parents you work with. The matching process is a two-way street where both you and the parents must feel a connection and agree on key aspects of the journey, including the type of relationship you want.

Who helps if there’s a disagreement between me and the intended parents?

Your surrogacy agency is there to help with any disagreements. A good agency can mediate conversations, provide professional advice, and help you and the intended parents get back on the same page while protecting your well-being.

Do I have to stay in touch with the family after the baby is born?

You do not have to stay in touch after the baby is born unless you want to. Your desired level of post-birth contact is a key preference you should discuss and agree upon with the intended parents during the matching process.

How do I tell intended parents I need some space without being rude?

To tell intended parents you need space, use a gentle and clear approach. Try scheduling specific times for updates, which shows you’re committed but also defines your availability. This sets a respectful boundary without causing offense.